All children deserve to be born into a happy and loving family. In fact, many of them are raised by emotionally unstable parents with destructive tendencies. Moreover, those outside do not always realize when the child is being treated badly. This is because some parents display a normal attitude in society, but within the family they prove cruelty. You do not need a doctorate in psychology to realize how harmful such dual behavior is. It affects the lives of children after they have grown up and left their parent's home. Nobody denies that it is very difficult to raise a child, but reopening old wounds, in the case of a sensitive child, is never a good idea.
Learn to recognize the signs of one toxic behavior, to reconcile with your own person and to raise your child as it should.
1. Underestimate the child's goals
It is extremely important for a child to know that his mother is with him, whatever happens. Specialists say that mothers who have toxic behavior underestimate the interests and abilities of their children. This is abnormal, as children need support and love. When your child enthusiastically confesses that when he is older, he wants to become a cosmonaut, encourage him! In no case does he tell her it's a difficult dream or even impossible to achieve.
2. You interrupt your child when he speaks
Your child is trying to talk to you, but you don't pay attention or talk to him? Do you always have the feeling that you are in a competition and feel the need to monopolize the conversation? Think about what toxic effect this behavior has on the child. If he perceives each conversation with you as a fierce struggle, he will grow up with the feeling that nothing he says matters to you and will become a closed person in himself, lacking in self-confidence.
3. You always address inappropriate topics
Any relationship needs healthy boundaries. The financial issues you face, misunderstandings with yourself and your partner or other sensitive topics should be discussed with a psychotherapist, not the child. It is not mature enough to "digest" adult problems. In addition, what will your child think about you if you overwhelm him with your own problems?
4. You censure his expression
In many cases, the parent's intervention in guiding the child's behavior is necessary and welcome. We talk, of course, about the norms of behavior in society and in the family, about observing the rules in the house and in the community. Dysfunctional relationships occur when the child's thoughts and emotions are censored or when the parent simply rejects his or her ideas.
The child will grow up with the feeling that expressing feelings is a bad thing, even forbidden. In addition, when the parent dismisses any arguments of the child and imposes his own opinions, he will lose any confidence in his own judgment.
5. You limit your independence
In a healthy relationship, the mother constantly encourages her child to be independent and to have self-confidence. Toxic mothers, on the other hand, may have hyperprotective behavior, leaving the child to do nothing without their help. This generates an unhealthy dependence on the mother.
Other mothers may overreact, in the event of a conflict, or oppose the idea of independence, denying the child even the desire to move alone when she grows up. In such a scenario, a child dependent on the mother gets to deny herself the need to set up her own home. Even if she gets married, she has no power to break up with her mother and continues to live with her. This has extremely serious consequences, the marriage risking to break up due to the toxic relationship that the mother has built with the child from the early childhood.
6. Encourage him to keep secrets from others
Healthy relationships don't make a good home with secrets. Specialists have observed that toxic parents are very secretive and ask children to keep quiet about issues such as drug addiction, alcohol abuse or chronic illness. This secretomania is extremely harmful to the child, as it creates the false feeling that he will never be accepted by society because of his problems.
7. Prioritize your own feelings, rather than the child's feelings
In a functional relationship, the partners take into account the feelings of the other and are treated equally. A mother who puts her feelings first is definitely a toxic mother. There must be no competition between the feelings of the parents and the feelings of the children. As a parent, you have a moral duty to protect your child. Therefore, if you have self-centered starts, try to manage them, so that no one will suffer.
8. Ask for the reversal of responsibilities
Parents are the ones who look after the children, not the other way around. When a child gets to take care of the parent from an early age, he or she will be overwhelmed with some responsibilities that he / she is not yet psychologically prepared to take on. He will mature forcibly, jumping over the normal stages of development and having no time to enjoy childhood and age-specific activities.
9. You make your child feel bad
This statement is particularly disturbing. Even if you find it difficult to accept that you sometimes behave like a toxic mother, try not to project your own frustrations on the child. It can begin to doubt itself and its own perception of reality.
10. You discourage him from maturing
There are many parents who think that they are indispensable to children. Some mothers even feel insulted when they grow up and remind them that there is no need to worry so much.
Other parents are left feeling melancholy when they have to take their child to school for the first time or when they have to temporarily break away from it. But balanced parents know that they must encourage the child to become independent as he or she grows up.
11. You humiliate your child
Any form of aggression on the child is unacceptable. Equally important is the humiliation of the child in front of other people. Avoid quarreling with him in public or in front of other children, because you will only succeed in closing him. Avoid comparisons such as "X did better than you! He why can you and you are not able? ". Even if you have the impression that you motivate your child when you tell him these things, you just cut his wings and make him feel disappointed with his own person.
The signs of humility are easy to recognize, and its negative consequences can be mitigated, with the help of the therapist, so that the child can reconcile with his or her past.
Tags Parent behavior Parent and child