"Be nice!", "Say" Kiss each other! "To any adult!", "Don't laugh at my parents meeting!", "Don't sit with your feet when you're visiting!" talk too loud! "," Do not eat all the cakes on the plate! "," Give them your toys because they are smaller than you! "," When you receive a gift say "Thank you, but you should not bother!" "," See who you walk with, because I see your neighbors! "... and I can continue to fill up to 2 pages of type A4.
I grew up with the concept that the opinion of others about me is the most important.
I do not judge the education received at home, I think it was mostly specific to those times. Many of my acquaintances and relatives received about the same parental baggage. But translated today, through the prism of the new generations, this baggage hung hard in the lower self esteem.
If I add the feminine aspect vs. masculine, instantly my comparative comments come to mind: "you go nice and you don't dirty your clothes, you are not a boy", "see what time you go back home, if you were a boy otherwise we discussed", "don't talk bad! what? are you a boy?".
All these rules and comparisons strictly concerned the image that I had to show in front of the others. With this flaw, I left home, always thinking about how to do good and how to thank those around me. And I admit that, many times, I cling more to the need to be liked by others than the need to like myself as I am.
Until I became a mother, I didn't even realize that many of my actions were dictated by this lack of self-esteem and self-confidence. In trying to learn to be a good and responsible parent, I discovered that the self-esteem maintained from childhood is the one that can make the difference between a regular adult and a happy adult.
Online, but especially offline, there are many seminars and courses on this topic. There are specialists who offer a lot of information for free (but also more during paid workshops). All we have to do is repair our heavy luggage so that it will not be passed on to our children.
What I pass on to my child
Beyond the professional or personal aspirations of my child, I wish him to be a happy, confident, confident adult and his feelings, satisfied with his own person and empathetic. How do I try to guide him in this direction? By protecting the self-esteem with which we are all born naturally.
• I get rid of the habit of comparisons with other children. Sooner or later it leads to emotional failure and frustration. In my childhood I was prompted by this need for comparison with the others and for the absurd competition for notes, that I was feeding with the appreciation of the teachers.
I do not want my daughter to play the piano because her cousin is playing the piano, I do not want to go to the Olympics because many of her colleagues participate, I do not want to finish everything on the plate because her brother succeeded. I want them to realize that an action of hers is a success compared to her previous results, and not to the results of others. I want to appreciate her personal evolution more than the general high school ranking, for example.
• I don't want my daughter to be "the best." The desire to be the best of the best can sometimes lead to a dose of aggression and frustration. The healthy ambition is not about always being first, but about the process of developing yourself, of achieving your performance in relation to you. This can bring wonderful experiences collaterally.
• I try to get rid of the fear of "making you laugh", because it inhibited the naturalness of public speaking. When I was little only if I had a bag of arguments I dared to support my point of view in a debate.
Instead, I encourage my daughter to speak and express her opinion without constraint. It is not contagious (as long as the safety element is preserved and does not require the knife to eat soup), but I only complete it with forms like "you have an interesting idea!" or "if you think it's good, do it!" Of course, my daughter also feels the unpleasant consequences of some choices, but I do not want the opinion of others to inhibit her spontaneity and personality.
How do you approach this topic of self-esteem in your family? Do you manage to weave "good growth at home" with self-esteem and acceptance?
Catinca is a mom, blogger and pharmacist and writes stories about her castle on catincavlad.ro. You can find it Facebook Catinca Vlad.Catinca is a mom, blogger and pharmacist and writes stories about her castle on catincavlad.ro. You can find it Facebook Catinca Vlad.
Tags Self-esteem for children Stereotypes for children Self-confidence in children Self-confidence in children