From 2 to 3, the appearance of a child in the couple

From 2 to 3, the appearance of a child in the couple

Wanted, long awaited or arrived too early, a child makes many changes in the couple's relationship even if his parents are aware of them or not.

Sacina, birth, possible medical problems, relationships with families of origin, arrangement of space for the child, legalization of the relationship with the partner, quarrels or separations, conflicts or reconciliation - these are just a few of the events that occur in the couple. How do their partners feel? What influence do they have on their relationship? Here is what we intend to address in this article and in a future live discussion.

In fact, the discussion begins long before, namely in the desire or lack of desire to have children.

We often hear women complaining that they want children, but their partner is not the other way around.

This "mismatch", "desynchronization" can lead to frustration, couple conflicts, separation, psychogenic infertility or a distance between the two partners who do not separate, but are not considered to be together in an authentic way.

A couple's psychological counseling can help partners discover the reasons for their conflict and find a solution to the difficult question: "Do we stay together or break up?".

On the other hand, an unexpected pregnancy also produces a disturbance. "We are not ready", "we want children, but not now", "we have no home, work, time etc." these are just some of the most spoken phrases ...

Another difficult question inherently arises: "Do we keep the child or do we decide to interrupt the pregnancy?", A reason for contradictions, suffering, disputes, not only between partners, but also with their families.

Adaptation to the new situation under the conditions of pregnancy preservation is sometimes problematic. It may involve substantial arrangements, removals, hires or resignations, legalization of the relationship or religious ceremony of the marriage ...

What the people who have encountered this situation in their relationship have gone through is difficult to imagine and only by listening to them we see the richness of their states and their lives, of aspects of the couple's relationship that a task reveals.

Then there are the couples where a child is long expected. Whether it is the medical problems of infertility of one or another of the partners, or of psychological problems that prevent the appearance of a pregnancy, these couples go through difficult moments months and even years.

All their relationship becomes "the work of making a child", the work rewarded with a great happiness in the event of pregnancy, but also with terrible disappointments otherwise.

Although the appearance of the child is an accomplishment for such couples, it is not uncommon for the two to realize that this was the sole purpose of their relationship and not to find something else. A crisis of couples caused either by the great efforts in the affective plane when the expected baby did not arrive, or by a postnatal depression of the mother or similar symptoms to the father.

This is because, although neglected, the psychological manifestations of the man exist in most cases ... His depression, the difficulties to bear the pregnancy, the birth, the lack of sexual activity, the changes of the partner, the rhythm of life, the appearance of the house, etc. they are overlooked, and men ask for help in such situations.

There are also situations where the partner goes through medical traumas, pregnancy loss, difficult births, malformations of the fetus or newborn and in front of which the partner feels unable to help her in any way.

To be with her, to encourage her sometimes seems too little for her emotional needs. In addition, we meet situations where the partner does not seem to rise to the expectations and shows indifference or behaviors that do not relieve the woman, but on the contrary.

The solution to adopt and what happens in the respective situations we keep for an article and a future discussion ...

The happy case of giving birth to a desired child also produces countless changes in the couple. The life of the woman who becomes the mother and of the man who becomes the father changes, their couple's life also starting from the aspects of sexual life to the time or activities together.

How do we add 2 to 1 to get 3? How is the relationship in 3? What about the former 2? Some partners keep the nostalgia of the years before the appearance of the children, when they were just two and their love. Others come to understand each other better, to discover things in common or to feel fulfilled after the appearance of children. But you?

So, I am waiting for you on Monday, May 26th, from 8 pm, with your opinions, questions and experiences, to discuss the appearance of a child in the couple.

Anca Munteanu
Psychologist - Child psychology

Center of Action Psychology and Psychotherapy